The Truth About Amy

so i work next door to Target. and today i was waaay early for work and i knew that if i sat in the break room i would eat all my food that i packed for  my lunch (i worked 1-9.45 tonight) so i went shopping. i walked though Target, but i didnt get anything. which is like AMAZING.

so i go to work and im working on a project and forget to take my first 15 min. break and i dont realize this until about 15 minutes before i go to lunch. so i take my lunch and decide ill have two 15 min, breaks tonight.

so i get back from lunch and we get MEGA busy, but i dies after a while (right around dinner time. people gotta eat) and mom calls the store. and shes rambling on and on about something and then she asks me to go to Target and get paper plates because she isnt going to buy Styrofoam plates. so i take my first 15 min break and go to Target. and while in check out they have Starburst Jelly Beans on sale and i remember Maria sent me an e-mail that we are having a GS meeting this week and mom wanted to have the girls look for jelly beans.

so i buy jelly beans. then when i get back to work i remember i ddint buy any egg holders. so on my last 15 min break i go BACK to Target (this time with my bestie) and get the damn egg things. and on our way to check out there is a display of 12-pack coke cans on sale for 3 bucks. i bought some. and then i bought more jelly beans at the checkout

so in a 8-9 hour period i went into Target THREE TIMES.

my life is so sad.

my home life.
my mother.
my relationship with my mother.
my work place.
my life.

i feel like the harder im pushing for something good to happy that monster in my mind pushes back even harder.

im so depressed i dont even want to finish this post.

in high school i was friends with mostly sexually active band geeks and and horny kids trying to find out their sexual orientation. so needless to say most of our conversations were about sex. who did who over the weekend, who isnt doing who, whos a loser because theyve been in a relationship for X amount of time and they still havent had sex.

and then theres me. when i graduated high school i was the only person out of my friends that were still a virgin. being a couple hundred pounds overweight, being socially awkward, and dressing like i rolled around in bed before going to school probably didnt help.

and whenever somebody asked why i was still a virgin it took all my willpower to scream at them

“LOOK AT ME!!! WHO WANTS TO HAVE SE WITH A WHALE WITH BAD HAIR?!?!?”

i usually told them “oh im just waiting for the right person” that right person would have been the person that asked me if i wanted to have sex.

in high school i thought about sex a lot. and after watching the 40 year old virgin i did a lot of masturbating. but now that ive been out of school for a while, im still a virgin. ive still never had a first kiss, or a first date, or any of that shit. and now i think about sex a whole lot more. and im masturbating like four times a week (overshare).

i want to have sex so bad. i just want to get it over with at this point. i just want to experience SOMETHING normal for once. i mean its gotten so bad that ive thought about going online and telling random strangers that i will have sex with anyone. or that ill pay someone to have sex with me. or ill make someone cookies (my chocolate chip cookies are to die for) if they have sex with me.

it that sad or sick?

i think its the ladder.

but am i totally in the wrong for wanted to have sex? even if its for the wrong reasons? i mean yes of course i want to fall in love and get married and have kids. but not for a while and i cant wait a while to find someone that would have sex with me because the love me and want to get married and have kids.

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